The actual solstice is a ways off yet, I know, but I just read my sister's blog and it put me into a soul-y kind of mood. She talked about laying her soul bare in her blogs and I thought it a splendiloquent idea. So, being the copy-cat I am, I'm going to give it a go as well. She revealed a smudge on her pristine chemise and again I thought that a good place to start.
Daydreaming... I don't believe daydreaming to be a bad thing really. If all you do is day dream, however, *raises her hand* then its not such a good thing either. I have recently come to realize that I am scared... all the time. Not just about the spooky things that go bump in the night (or the middle of the day in my case :P), but of everything. Failure, success, acceptance, rejection, love, loss, happiness... everything.
I daydream of writing novels constantly. I dream of how it will feel when the characters really come to life. I dream of actually finding out the endings of the stories I have rattling in my head. I daydream of having a cabin in the mountains or a place by the beach where there is no one around and I just write.
But so far that is all they are, daydreams. I have sat down and written out parts to avoid my head exploding (some of these guys in my head are very insistent about being "born":P), and it has felt so good! Its like I'm about to burst out of my skin and I can't type or write fast enough to describe the movie playing in my head. But once I've written enough to take the pressure off... I avoid sitting down again for a long time.
Its such an exhilarating, exciting rush... like I'm not even breathing... I'm flying and floating and spinning and drowning all at once. Its the best thing in the world... and it terrifies me. I daydream of it, of being swept away in a writing frenzy, of actually finishing something... and its wonderful. But when I think about actually doing it, sitting down and giving them sway, I freeze up. I shut them off, these characters in my head. I tell them I'm too busy, but I'll get to them soon. I'm just hoping they never find out "soon" was about 10 yrs ago.
That's not the only thing I'm afraid of... no, sadly there is much more. I buy yarn all the time and patterns because I want to make things and I really enjoy knitting/crocheting/embroidering/etc, but when I sit down to do it I start shaking and my mouth is dry because... I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid of making mistakes? I really don't know what it is...
It doesn't stop with my creative side, though my violin and all my sheet music and the dream of having a piano again are still there right beside all my sketch books and art supplies and fantasies of actually mastering the art of drawing. But this fear has seeped into all aspects of my life... well I say "has seeped" but really its always been there...
I love watching movies, but I get nervous whenever I sit down to watch a new one. Comedy, Romance, Action, Thriller... they're all the same. People I've known forever... I'm scared to call them ... why? I don't know... I think I'll make a fool of myself and they'll decide they've been stupid for being my friend for so long. That's part of it. Getting in shape? Forget about it... I daydream about everything, about how I'll do this or that... because then it feels like I'm doing something and I can ignore the fact that I'm not, for a little while at least.
Its weird, but the most common phrase that runs through my mind (and its running near constantly) is "Oh please, oh please... please... help me not screw this up." Some variation of that... This blog has gone on a lot longer than I thought it would... and in a different direction than I thought. That's one thing I love about writing, at least for me, its so therapeutic. Not that I've come to any answers, but I feel better.
I have these fears and have had them for most of my life, but I've really tried to do things inspite of the fears. I'm just -so- good at planning and organizing and list making; I need to work on -execution- now. I've said this to myself before and I'm sure I will again... one of these days it will stick, right?
Nanu Nanu
